The 2005 Esky Music Awards

SNOOP: Welcome to the Esky Awards. I'm your host, Big Snoopy D-O-double-gizzle. And I'll be with you throughout the show. We're here tonight to celebrate musicianship. All the artists in the room have kept their head in the game by staying in the studio, working hard, resisting the parties and the females, too. Each of the honorees has contributed to a beautiful musical world. And it's great to see familiar faces in the room. Big Willie Nelson, Lil Jon, and Coldplay, too. Big-shit movers up in here. Now, this ain't Oscar. This ain't Grammy. It's Esky, Esquire's old-school mascot, and he's here to go home with the winners. You dig? Now let's get this started.

SNOOP: I KNOW HOW THESE GUYS FEEL right now. All of our winners are sittin' there thinking they're not going to win. But we're about to surprise them. That's what's so exciting about the Eskys. Our first round of awards goes out to the guys who are doin' it for the first time, the king of crunk, and some foreigners. But first, we need to honor the man who's the future of hip-hop and one bad motherfucker. Here we go.

BEST VISIONARY: Kanye West
Visionary? Yes. Superhero? Whether its his own record or production work on someone else's, West is proving to anyone who will listen (and there have been millions) that a producer can rap, a rapper can write, and a writer can be a great performer. Rarely do all three occur at once. And for that, we're hitching a ride on his cape. Snoop accepts the Esky for Kanye West: Kanye couldn't be here tonight 'cause he's off in the studio makin' his new hit record. But I just want to say that Kanye is ahead of the game. He's a young cat with an old soul. He makes the music that you know will be here twenty years from now. Thank you.

BEST ROOKIES: The Killers
If we could accurately predict the shelf life of every next big thing with fancy suits and an extensive Cure collection, we'd be at Nobu with Clive Davis. But smart money is on the Killers. Sounding relevant and timeless is no easy trick, but last year's Hot Fuss is both. We're curious, but not worried, about this band's follow-up, because this much the Killers seem to know: Clever songwriting and huge hooks never go out of fashion. The Killers accept the Esky: Winning this award is unlike anything else we've experienced. Thank you, Esquire!

BEST SMILE: Lil Jon
Maybe it's something in the crunk juice or all the thousands of karats of gold lacing his grille, but we challenge anyone to find a set of teeth more infectious than Lil Jon's. While we don't see a toothpaste endorsement in his future (can you -really brush those things?), we don't mind giving him ours, because his grin just makes the world that much brighter. Lil Jon accepts the Esky: What the fuck is this trophy? This is a white man! Dang, what the hell'd I win? Best smile? Well, since it's best smile, I gotta thank the guy who does my teeth, Paul Wall from Houston, Texas. And thanks to Esquire.

BEST IMPORT: Coldplay
These Brits will be around for the next twenty years not because they get panties wet every night on tour or because they make good drinking buddies (though they seem good for both) but because no matter how much you fight it, when they start in with that piano and those soaring choruses, even the skeptical among us get swept along. Coldplay accepts the Esky: Really? We thought that the hottest import this year was the Toyota Prius. Seriously, though, thank you. Even if we are a little disappointed that we didn't get the nod for best smile. Guess the English really aren't known for their pearly whites.

SNOOP: NOW IT'S TIME TO GIVE SOME HARDWARE to our neighbors up north, reward a man and his guitar, and honor a legend who's been an inspiration to me all through my life and who's all right with me on every level of the game—R&B, gospel, whatever. First, though, let's give it up for a young cat who's got the critics talkin' and the girls screamin' and dudes buyin' his records. I know how that feels.

BEST PHENOM: Conor Oberst
The way people talk about Conor Oberst, you'd think he wrote "Like a Rolling Stone." You'd think Chronicles: Volume One detailed his rise from emo heartthrob to seriously substantive pop star. Fans of his band Bright Eyes are evangelical. They hang on his every word, dissecting his songs line by line in chat rooms and on message boards. They show up in droves to see him and buy his records on the day they're released. It's heady stuff for a twenty-five-year-old, but twenty-five-year-olds are rarely this promising, rarely this, yes, phenomenal.

BEST COMEBACK: Al Green
Go ahead, call it a comeback. And add three Hail Marys and a hallelujah. The Reverend Al Green is two for two since returning to secular music: 2003's I Can't Stop and his brand-new Everything's OK represent a soulful and wonderfully satisfying return to form. At their core, these aren't just albums for lovers but albums to remind us that there's still soul music worth making love to. Al Green accepts the Esky: Thank you. But I'm still just a little guy from Grand Rapids, Michigan, whom everyone said his chances of succeeding were 0 to 000. But if God put a person up, ain't nobody can bring him down. If God bring a person down, ain't nobody that can put him up. Is Al Green a lucky guy? Maybe. But I'm blessed. That's the beginning and end of it. Glory to the big man upstairs.

BEST CANADIANS: The Arcade Fire
The whole notion of Montreal as the next big scene is so ridiculous on paper that it could be dead-on in practice: Your new favorite band might just be secretly Canadian. And isn't everyone's new favorite band the Arcade Fire? Last year, Pitchforkmedia and every MP3 blog pointed us toward Funeral , a record every bit as grand as the hype. Now the band has major labels fighting to pick up its tab at Tim Hortons, suggesting full-blown American stardom might not be as outrageous as a Canadian-born network anchor in America. We already have one of those? Oh. Our point exactly.

BEST GUITARIST: Slash
He's who we see ourselves as every time we strap on an air guitar. The top hat. The hair. The dangling cigarette. The near-death experiences. He'll always be Slash of Guns N' Roses to us, but we also congratulate him for beating the comeback odds with a surprisingly legitimate and vital outfit, Velvet Revolver. Slash accepts the Esky: This is my first guitarist award ever. It's very humbling. I'd like to thank my parents, and I'd also like to thank everyone I've ever fucking worked with in the music business from the point I started at up until now—the bands I've been in, the sessions I've done, and the artists I've worked with. My wife is at least half of the reason I'm still walking. I'd also like to thank Robert Wolin; he got me to switch from bass to guitar. Thank you.

SNOOP: NOW IT'S TIME TO HONOR THE GUY who keeps the beat, the best drummer, and hand out the guilty-pleasure award, the all-important best-entertainer award, and my favorite, best MC. This cat's rackin' 'em up. He can spit with the best of 'em. Fo' shizzle.

BEST MC: Kanye West
"Cause I wanna be on 106 and Park pushing a Benz, / I wanna act ballerific like it's all terrific / I got a couple past-due bills, I won't get specific / I got a problem with spending before I get it / We all self-conscious, I'm just the first to admit it." Need we say more? Snoop accepts the Esky for Kanye West: Once again, Kanye couldn't be here tonight. But know this: His shit is dope as fuck. As a rapper, his shit is real fly. Thank you.

BEST GUILTY PLEASURE: Dan Zanes
Kids' music rocks. Really. At least in the hands of Dan Zanes, a children's performer who boasts an unbeatable combo of goofy hair and a real rock pedigree. (He spent the eighties fronting the Del Fuegos.) His albums are hip enough for Debbie Harry and Lou Reed to make cameos but accessible enough for the under-ten set to sing along. You'll get your hip card punched at Gymboree for knowing who Zanes is, but -really this is good ol' fashioned pop music for all ages. Dan Zanes accepts the Esky: It's an honor to receive this coveted Esky award for musical achievement. I would like to use this opportunity to encourage all of you, regardless of age, size, or temperament, to sing whenever possible. The music that you make, particularly with other people, can bring beauty to this world, create a much needed feeling of community, and provide a sense of life's best possibilities. As if that weren't enough, it's also wildly enjoyable. Get in on the excitement! Change the world! Sing with gusto! Thank you.

BEST DRUMMER: Josh Garza, the Secret Machines
One part atomic clock and one part atomic bomb, Josh Garza, the bombastic timekeeper for the Secret Machines, manages to make a three-piece rock outfit sound like a veritable sonic army. Josh Garza accepts the Esky: I am very flattered to be acknowledged by Esquire magazine as best drummer. More than anything, I am trying to honor the legacy of guys like John Bonham and Buddy Rich. At the end of the day, those players realized that it's all about the music, the song, and losing oneself in the moment. Thanks.

BEST ENTERTAINER: Wayne Coyne, The Flaming Lips
Wayne Coyne is among the last of the entertainment evangelists. Even if the Flaming Lips didn't make great records, we'd be excited about a new one this year, if for no other reason than it means Coyne is headed back on the road with a new bag of tricks. Remember, kids, until he showed up at last year's Coachella festival in a twelve-foot plastic bubble, "the Hamster" was just a crusty ol' MC Hammer move. Wayne Coyne accepts the Esky: Editor's note: Just as Mr. Coyne approached the podium, he was knocked off his feet by an overweight Flaming Lips fan with BRING BACK ROSS PEROT scrawled across her chest. An investigation revealed that the Lips snuck her in during rehearsals. Mr. Coyne mysteriously disappeared in the rumpus.

SNOOP: SO WE'RE ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH THE SHOW and it's time to salute a band doin' it from outside the game, some hairy white dudes from Tennessee, and one dope-ass black dude from Atlanta. I can tell you from experience the man helps you step up your game. We'll also give props to one good-lookin' legend with a sweet-sounding voice.

BEST OUTSIDERS: Spoon
These Texans are true outlaws, going from indie to major and back, now bypassing major-label offer after major-label offer to make great records on their own terms. Even so, their new Gimmie Fiction is one of the spring's most anticipated indie releases, carrying the kind of OC /Indie 103 buzz that suggests their maverick days are numbered. Sometimes the good guys do win.

BEST VOICE: Emmylou Harris
Seductive? Sensual? Steamy? Thesau-rus.com simply can't do Emmylou's voice justice. At fifty-eight, she's a solo artist of immeasurable integrity and influence. And she's also the best duet partner on the planet. You don't have to be a singer yourself to get a little jealous when you hear her trade lines with Willie Nelson or Conor Oberst. In fact, no disrespect to Ms. Stefani, but find yourself an Emmylou record—any Emmylou record—and try telling us she's not the sexiest-sounding singer alive.

BEST HIRED GUN: Lil Jon
Forget Usher's six-pack abs and the infectious Atlanta roll of Ludacris's tongue, it's the production of fellow Atlantan Lil Jon that made "Yeah!" 2004's biggest smash. When he wears the producer's cap, his style is instantly recognizable: bombastic, futuristic, and growling. In a business that chews up next-big-things and spits 'em out clean, the bet here is that Lil Jon will prove tough to bite into. Lil Jon accepts the Esky: Thank everybody from Ying Yang Twins to Usher for letting me produce 'em and be a hired gun. And I just thank my family, and I thank God, my label BME/TVT Records, and everybody that let me work with them. And my mama, too!

BEST FAMILY: Kings of Leon
In the great tradition of rock families, Tennessee's own Kings of Leon, aka the Followill brothers (and one cousin), have borrowed what was great about Skynyrd (southern drinking tunes) and mixed it with all that Oasis's Gallagher brothers have left (bravado). Their last record, Youth and Young Manhood , was one of 2003's sleepers, and their new one, Aha Shake Heartbreak , is worthy of rock-critic hype. Kings of Leon accept the Esky: Thanks for the Esky. We can't wait to get it home, if we can remember how to get there.

SNOOP: WITH OUR LAST AWARDS, we're gonna hit it quick over the next couple pages with a little southern flavor, a band famous for makin' politicians keep it real, fellas known for dressin' right, and much more, including our first-ever Hall of Game. I always love this part of the show. The afterparties are just around the corner. Let's do this.

BEST SURE THING: Dixie Chicks
Dixie Chicks haven't made the same record twice, and they also haven't made a bad record once. And because nobody's sure if country radio will forgive them for Bush-bashing before Bush-bashing was cool, their forthcoming album's commercial fate could wind up as one of the year's best sociopolitical stories. This much we already know full well: They're gonna give us our money's worth. Dixie Chicks' Natalie Maines accepts the Esky: We'd like to thank Esquire for knowing a sure thing when they see it. That's a musical sure thing, right? Right?

BEST SCRIBE: David Byrne
And you may find yourself reading about Costa Rican snorkeling. And you may find yourself wondering if maybe the Pixies really are a Protestant band in spirit. And you may find yourself thinking, What if the most original, well traveled, thought-provoking voice in the blogosphere was once a Talking Head? And you may ask yourself, Well, how did I get here? davidbyrne.com/tour_journal_04.php. David Byrne accepts the Esky: I'm thrilled and flattered that someone is reading and even enjoying and appreciating my Web journal. In a conversation with a friend, she mentioned an acquaintance who, when she asked what he'd been doing lately, replied peevishly, "Haven't you been reading my blog?" If I ever say that, you can take the award back.

BEST UNDERDOG: Patty Griffin
True, Patty Griffin's already a theater-level live attraction, and the Dixie Chicks have ridden her songs to the top of the charts. But we want so much more for her. Call us crazy, but when we hear her albums, it's easy to believe great singer-songwriters fall into two categories: Patty Griffin and everyone else.

BEST DRESSED BAND: Interpol
With hip-hop commandeering the style mantle from rock 'n' roll, it's refreshing to see a band that still feels it should dress up for its audience, even if, upon arrival, the audience may think it's shown up at a funeral. Interpol's skinny black suits work because they match the music—dark, moody, and acerbically smart. And while the band might resemble the world's hippest pallbearers, at least this service has a really memorable choir.

BEST TWANG: Kelly Willis
There is something in Kelly Willis's subtle Texas twang that makes her capable of the forgiveness that we're afraid to ask for. Her voice is clemency indeed, and seduction, too, all rolled into one and nearly perfect.

BEST AGITATORS: System of a Down
The minute we get a green light from the Federal Election Commission, we're down for kicking off Decision 2008 with a write-in vote for System of a Down. The band's what Public Enemy once was and Rage Against the Machine never quite managed to be: the potent trifecta of credibility, sincerity, and real danger. System of a Down accepts the Esky: We would like to thank those who are in power who make our agitation possible. Dicks like Cheney and Bush drive us. In all seriousness, politics is personal today, and until people realize that, they can't fully react to it correctly so that positive change can come. So we're thanking all the people who wake up and make us recognize that this world is in beautiful motion—that this world is music.

BEST SCREAM: Lil Jon
While the rest of pop's celebrities check the mirror, Lil Jon is having a ball. When he lets out his unhinged scream on a record, it's not a yell of horror or the sound of pain. He's merely letting you know that he feels the beat and that maybe you, all of you, should just put the mirror down and be yourself. Lil Jon accepts the Esky: This is the funniest one, best scream. I've never been nominated for best scream before. Maybe it's because of the suave Cuban cigar I brought tonight. Anyway, I just wanna say thank you, and I'll see you all next year, when I'll definitely win best scream and best hired gun again. I'll have a new grille by next year, so best smile's gonna happen, too. And to all the Don Juans out there, and Snoop, remember: Touch. Preach. Tabernacle.

BEST LIVE BAND: Queens of the Stone Age
Imagine for a moment what it is to be in Queens of the Stone Age. Imagine knowing that you can step onstage and rob youth of its innocence. Because for each fourteen-year-old standing before these desert misfits, there is nothing left to look forward to; they've already seen the most intense live band on the planet. For the rest of us, a typically sweaty, furiously passionate Queens show is no less vital, no less monumental: We're old enough to recognize that this is the live band against which we'll measure everything we see thereafter. Queens of the Stone Age's Josh Homme accepts the Esky: We appreciate the best-live-band award—even if we haven't played a gig in a year. So we're glad that the gigs we did before left such a sweet taste in your mouth—like good porn.

BEST FRONTMAN: Bono
Just when we were about to hand this one to newcomer Sam Roberts (who's overcome being Canadian to win over fans one small club at a time), Bono showed up outside our offices on Broadway singing from the back of a flatbed truck. A little over the top we think. A simple e-mail reminder from the most magnetic man in rock would have done the trick.

BEST TEMPERATURE RAISER: Gwen Stefani
For a while, we thought she looked so hot because the rest of her band didn't. And it was a tribute to her beauty that Stefani could make even clashing stripes and polka dots look good. Now that she's ventured out solo and proved just as heart-racing, even holding her own next to pretty boy DiCaprio on film, we're sold.

THE ESKY HALL OF GAME: OUR FIRST INDUCTEE
Willie Nelson: Willie Nelson belongs in the Hall of Game for writing "Crazy" alone. But he's also smoked dope on the roof of the White House. And when the IRS billed him for $16.7 million in back taxes, he allegedly said, Owing the IRS $1 million is a problem. Owing them $16 million becomes their problem. His ex-wife also sewed him up in a sheet and beat him with a broom. And he forgave her. Willie Nelson is a man with a catalog of full-fledged standards. And he's always leveraged his success to help others: His Farm Aid benefits saved many a family farm, and his recent tsunami benefit raised hundreds of thousands of dollars. In Texas, Bruce Robison's "What Would Willie Do?" is an anthem. We could all do worse than live our lives asking the same question. Willie Nelson accepts the Esky: As a kid, I hid Esquire under my bed so my parents wouldn't know I was checking out the women. And National Geographic. So I'd like to thank all the women who have posed for Esquire over the years. I'll cherish this wonderful award—and sleep with it under my pillow.